Confronting the reality of mortality and facing the day of death
My brush with fate I was the ripe age of 19 and living a carefree and unworthy lifestyle, paying little attention to the value of my own life and the great potential that a person has bubbling deep within themselves. My reckless approach to life on a day to day basis was building up toward an inevitable breaking point with disastrous possibilities in regards to consequence regarding actions I had taken.
It was a typical dark evening when a temporary lapse in judgment put me in a situation which had me firmly placed at both ends of a steak knife and a pistol. I was now in an unfavorable position, with the absolute certainty that I was about to be killed.
I am told time to time, that it is common for people, when faced with their demise, that many if not most will cower, beg, pray to a god or simply lose their minds when standing at the edge of no return. I feel in relation to this matter, it is important to question the reasons for such reactions. Upon questioning these reactions, I come to the conclusion that these reactions are evidence of a lack of understanding, a lack of courage and a lack of ability or willingness to accept the impending event. Billy’s words of wisdom, as well as the spiritual teachings have helped me understand what awaits us at death. I have thus been able to fully comprehend my reactions of that fateful night when I was 19. At the moment when the gun was pointed at my head, and the knife pressed against my throat… I said to myself “So, this is it. This is how I die. Well, I had a good life, good times with friends and family. I happy with the life I lived. I am ready then.”
I waited for what seemed to be a minute but surely was no more than 5 seconds. In the distance I seen a shadow of bare leafless tree branches imposed upon a brick wall. In that moment, I had a feeling of such peace and a perception of the beauty in all things, regardless how seemingly insignificant. I was at such peace that I had never known before that moment.
When I realized I was not to die that night, and common sense kicked in, I resolved the situation with a bruise on my face and a thinner wallet.
Though I have made foolish choices in my life, I am however for the most part a reasonably sensible and good willed person. I have been able to ascertain a reasonable portrait of myself from the standpoint of spiritual integrity and strength. It is this Integrity and Strength that I feel has a direct relation to why I reacted so calmly to the possibility of sudden death.
After that night, a change took place in me. It was slow but steady. The result was two-fold and interestingly dualistic in nature…
On the one hand, I began to see the value of striving to live with a greater sense of purpose and self respect. On the other hand, I became increasingly troubled by dying prematurely. It was not a fear of dying, because I had already understood through direct experience, that I can face death unexpectedly and be absolutely prepared to accept it. So then I must ask myself… What is it if not fear of dying? It is the strong desire to live. Be sure that there is a big difference between being afraid to die, and not wanting to die because you desire to keep living.
I had begun to see the potential of what lies ahead, having left behind a reckless lifestyle rooted in pain, hate and loneliness. The world now seemed to have so much to offer, and I did not feel entitled to anything from it. I began to realize the expanse of my abilities and talents, and began likewise developing self love, self respect and appreciation to nature for all my strengths that expressed my inner beauty wonderfully.
It is when you realize what a gift life is, that the true value of simply being aware of it, attains an incredible weight. This weight is like the weight of gravity… the greater your love of yourself and life, the more of life you will draw toward you. So you then shine like a brilliant star, with all the other stars that bejewel the heavens.
So now that I was able to confront life and accept it as it is in natural glory, so to must I be able to confront death yet again, with not just acceptance this time, but also reverence and love. If we are fortunate and are able to live out our lives to die of old age, then we should give credence to the idea that Creation is filled with Mercy, Justice and Love. What a mighty formation that grants one the chance to give gratitude and appreciation at a time of great peace and harmony.
Even in the case of unnatural deaths such as being shot in the head by a gun, or crushed by a car (any unnatural death event that is void of extended pain and misery, such as death by torture, or being burned to death and the like), Even then we are graced with a Mercy and Love that is so worthy of attention. An attention rooted in understanding and acceptance.
We thus come full circle with the conclusion that to have worries, pains or troubles as a result of one’s preoccupation with concerns of death, thoughts of one’s death or wondering when we will die, when we are destined to pass away… we conclude that this is foolish, because it is self created suffering and abuse upon the psyche and damaging to the integrity of one’s character. It is unbecoming of a human being and an unattractive trait. In it dwells feeble qualities to which belongs sadness, ignorance, self loathing, fear, hatred bitterness and depression.
So then now I say to you, with a deep sense of care and concern: I hope that the wisdom that I have gained, paid for with blood sweat and tears, will help at least someone to the effect that they will also, in themselves work through the contemplative matters that surround conquering our fear of death. I cannot speak of things to the depth and understanding of Billy or the Plejarens, and of course I surely do not wish to portray any kind of might or greatness over anyone through this written material here. Rather it is my thinking that, because I am a fellow human of earth, with no special powers, no ancient spirit form or E.T. heritage… it is this very fact that brings me hope that my story will have deep impact for those reasons.
Peter Brodowski
